We recently celebrated 15 years of marriage. What a wonderful thing. There are a million things I could write that the Lord has taught me through this union. I probably cannot even fully grasp how much he’s used marriage to teach me more about Christ, his love, and what it means to love as he does. But, in the interest of brevity and alliteration, I’ve chosen only 15. These are 15 things that have struck me as the most universally helpful things I’ve been taught.

15. Have a sense of humor. Humor requires humility, and many “offenses” are easily discarded when we realize how selfish or silly we can be. Most things don’t actually need to be a fight, they need forbearance, joy, and love. Levity can often halt a would-be fight and turn it into a shared moment of laughter.

14. Leave room for change. People are not static. We are always changing. Your spouse isn’t the exact same person you first married, let them change, and seek to get to know them as they do. You can always ask them about themselves, their thoughts, their fears, what they’ve learned, over many years these things can change. You’ll always learn something new.

13. Speak well of your spouse to others. Nothing so effectively increases your affection for someone as re-living and praising the good you love in them. And conversely, nothing so quickly decreases your affection and creates discontent as rehashing (and often inflating) your spouse’s flaws. 

12. Think outwardly. How can you glorify God together? Who can you serve together? How can you be more hospitable together? How can you encourage and enable one another to serve and love others more? Marriage is designed to be fruitful, it images Christ and his church, and Christ’s church goes out into the world to make disciples.

11. Glean wisdom. Observe and get to know couples who are further along than you whose marriage you admire. Ask them about their marriage, how they navigated challenges, what helped unite them to one another, what they wish they had done differently or known sooner. Talking to a couple who have been married for decades about their marriage often serves as great encouragement, not merely because of their advice, but simply because seeing two people who have committed to one another and loved one another for such a length of time is beautiful.

10. Set aside distraction. Put away your phones and get the kids to bed. Turn off the television and set aside the housework or emails. Carve out some time to be with your spouse without distractions, and give them your full attention. It doesn’t have to happen all the time, but make it a pattern in your life. You cannot multitask depth in relationships. 

9. Make traditions. You don’t have to “date” your spouse. Sometimes a night out isn’t possible with young kids, long hours, and tight finances, but you can always make a way to spend special time together. Every Monday night is a night you drink tea and read together, or once a month you order take out and eat it after kids are in bed. Your spouse is special, time together helps remind you why. Traditions keep us from taking our time for granted together and they create a thread of memory and consistency that carries you in tougher seasons. 

8. Expect storms. Circumstances around your marriage will be difficult; loved ones will die, children will go through difficult seasons, illness will come, jobs will be lost, finances will be tight. Your marriage itself will have difficulties; you will disagree, sin will eclipse the good, you will hurt one another. Know this, and be ready to weather the storms. In hurricane cities people know how to fortify their homes for storms that will most certainly come, fortify your marriage for the inevitable difficulties you will face. Commit yourself to fighting for your marriage, for unity, for affection. Be ready to sacrifice your own comfort and desires for the good of your marriage, and you will always come out of the storms with a sweeter love for one another.

7. Don’t let division sit. When you are in disagreement, or at odds, do not become accustomed to division, do not get comfortable with it or settle for a false peace. Work to come together, pray for unity, labor to come to a place of peace, not mere tolerance.

6. Write letters. Take the time to write handwritten letters to one another. The act of writing them will sweeten your affections, the ability to re-read them will remind you of past sweetness. They will be a something you treasure forever.

5. Don’t settle for good, work for great. Your marriage may feel okay, or even like it is in a good place. Wonderful. Look for ways you can make it greater. Consider ways you can be more actively loving your spouse. Take time to ask, and look for opportunities to love them well, to delight them, to treasure them. There is always room for us to love our spouse better.

4. Be in a healthy church. Marriage images Christ and the church. The church then can help us understand our marriage better because it aids us in knowing Christ more. Fellowship with God’s people, the teaching of God’s word, these things are invaluable to the health of our marriages. We will only be helped the more we immerse ourselves in the life of the church.

3. Let others speak. When your marriage is struggling, or even when it isn’t, don’t be afraid to find one or two trusted, godly friends, to ask advice, to ask for prayer, to encourage you in your marriage. Friends who helps us fight for our marriage are invaluable, we must cultivate those friendships and let them speak into our marriage when we need it.

2. Don’t be your spouse’s only friend. Encourage and enable your spouse to have godly friends. Be willing to sacrifice, to nudge them, to make a great effort, to ensure they have wise friends regularly in their life. You are not made to be your spouse’s only source of encouragement and wisdom.

1. Look to Christ. Over and again, look to Christ. Remember what he has accomplished for you. Remember that you have all you need in him. Rest in his finished work on the cross. Seek to be more like him. Love like he does, with sacrifice and forgiveness. Remind your spouse that they are loved by Christ. In everything, look to Christ and all else will fall into place.